Friday, February 18, 2011

My So Called Life

My So Called Life

My So Called Life

Danny killed me. 

I can't even bring myself to say the words, let alone type them.  Thank God Aidan is here to help. 
[Aidan's note: It's really not a big deal, of course I'm here for Sally....]

Everything I knew, everything I thought I knew, has been a lie.  This whole time, the things I remembered -- the good things -- were just a small part of the truth.  The truth is, there were cracks in our relationship.  I remember them now, all of them.  The fights.  The mistrust.  The anger.  I remember now how I really felt when we moved into this place -- like I was clinging, begging Danny to make a life with me.  I remember how much I gave up to be with him. 

How could I have been such an idiot, chasing him around all this time?  How could I have not known the truth?  Was I somehow subconsciously trying to protect myself from feeling the pain all over again?  Trying to prevent feeling the way I feel right now?  Do I even have a subconscious in death?

I hate him.  I hate him for doing this to me, for ruining my life, for ruining my death.  It was clumsy, random, completely unheroic.  I deserved better than to fall down a flight of stairs.  And screw Danny messing with my head, for making these last few months of ghostdom (or whatever you call the state I'm in) so muddled and confusing.  For making me feel so lost.
And what do I do now, knowing what I know?  Is it even worth getting even?  Should I try?


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