Sunday, May 29, 2011

How Women View the Casual Hookup (And the Rules We Want Men to Follow)

Believe it or not, women are very capable of and enjoy casual relationships, as long as there are no gray areas.
couple in bed
This may come as a shock to a lot of guys, but girls think about sex. A lot. Heck, we crave it – and when we go lengthy times without it, it drives us nuts. So, if we don’t have anyone special in our lives at the moment, we may be just as psyched as guys to travel down the road of casually hooking up with someone. By casual, I mean no commitment, no lovey dovey dates or phone calls, just straightforward, consistent sex with someone.
I know, shocking.
But how women approach casual hookups may be a little different than how guys approach them. Most women see it as a strictly physical thing – a fun means to an end that doesn’t require batteries and actually talks back (ok, that's a bit harsh). Nine times out of ten, we genuinely want to keep it this way, and avoid the confusing, gray areas that come with real relationships. Men may find it hard to believe, but women with the right intentions really do enter casual hookups to just keep things light, fun, and sexy. We like to use Samantha Jones as inspiration.

In order to keep the casual hookup separate from a real relationship, we expect guys to follow a certain set of unspoken, yet extremely important rules. These are all common sense guidelines that keep the sex carefree and string-free. If he breaks these rules, he confuses the sh** out of us, and then the “casual” part flies out the window and suddenly, we don’t know what we’ve gotten ourselves into.
Since no guy (or girl) entering a casual hookup wants that, here are the rules we expect the guy to follow:
1. Don’t call or text unless it’s to hookup.
We don’t want to hear how your day was or worry about your big work deal that just fell through, because we have enough to worry about in our own lives. The reason a casual hookup is so liberating for most women is because we don’t feel the need—at all—to take care of the guy and his problems. He’s not a boyfriend, he’s just the guy we roll around in the sheets with from time to time. The only moment we should be thinking about him is when it’s 1 a.m. on a Friday, we’re wearing our hot lingerie underneath our dress and have had one too many martinis.
2. Be up front and honest.
Casual hookups involve no commitment, which means both parties are allowed to see other people. However, they should be very up front and honest about it, especially if they’re also sleeping with these people. This is a health issue, and a serious one at that! Women expect that if our casual hookup is sleeping around, he will tell us up front so that we can make up our own minds whether or not that’s cool with us. We’re not going to get all jealous, psycho-girlfriendy on him, so there’s no reason for him to lie or omit this really important information.

couple undressing in bed
3. Don’t do coupley things.
In order for a casual hookup to truly work, dates and hanging out outside the bedroom are big no-nos. If we’re at a party with a bunch of mutual friends, or if it’s a quick drink at the bar before heading back to his place, then fine. Other than that, women do not want to be taken out to dinner or spend significant one-on-one time with their hookup because it gets really confusing, really fast. Immediately, thoughts come to mind such as, “Is he developing feelings for me? Does he want to try to date me now?” etc. Trust us when we say we do NOT want to enter this gray area.
4. Be respectful.
Yes, this relationship is based around sex – a very primal, physical act. However, both the guy and the girl in the casual relationship should treat each other with respect. This takes some feeling out in the beginning of what’s okay, not okay for each person (No, it’s not okay for you to leave the nano-second you finish), and then to be mindful of these preferences. Also, the amount of effort being put into the casual hookup should be equal unless otherwise specified. If we’re always making the treck to his place and arriving an hour late to work every Wednesday, we’re going to start resenting him, and vice versa.
5. Check the emotions at the door.
Which brings us to the last rule: resentment is an emotion, and there is no room for emotions in a casual hookup. It’s harsh, and seems a bit unnatural to some, but it’s true. This is probably the most difficult part about these situations, because over time, you can’t help if you develop feelings. That’s why it’s important to address these feelings (out loud) as soon as they crop up in order to avoid one helluva mess. This tends to be the reason why not all people are cut out for casual hookups – the chemicals that get released during sex, including oxytocin and phenylethylamine, make it hard to not feel emotionally connected to a sexual partner.
But, that's the name of the game, folks! It's called "casual" for a reason – and, as long as the guy follows these rules, casual it will stay!

Tell us: Have you ever tried casually hooking up with someone? How did it go?


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